Harry Potter and The Cup Of Flames
by Jillian Prewett
Summary: Rogue Bowling Pins? Americanizing the HP Slang? See what happens when insanity takes over. This is a parody of everything from the three movies, and all five books. Random stabs at overly used plotlines. pairings, and bad slash. All in good fun
1. You're a Bad, Bad Man!

Author's note: This is a parody of everything from the three movies, and all five books. It is random silliness [but sticking to the fourth book's plot] that is meant to make you laugh, and to boost my self-esteem knowing that I made you laugh, [that was a plea to get you to review, in case you didn't catch that (].  
  
In this story, I am basically making fun of everything from bad directing, to bad acting, bad script writing, also how certain random huts magically changed locations to the bottom of a certain random hill, horrible uses of animal crackers, the shocking lack of soon-to-be-important characters [cough] CEDRIC DIGGORY [cough] CHO CHANG. Sorry, I seem to be coming down with a cold. Continuing on... the incredible lack of important information, [cough] MARAUDERS [cough] JAMES POTTER [cough] MADE MAP [cough]. Sorry, I think I need a lozenge. Well that's all from me.  
  
WARNING: Random stabs at overly used plotlines, pairings, Mary-Sues, Gary- Stu's, and bad slash. Don't get me wrong, it's all in good fun, I have nothing against authors, or stories involving any of the aforementioned...ugh, things. Actually, if you've read any really good ones lately, point me in the right direction, especially if they're Lily/James, or MWPP.  
  
Ingredients: 8 cups coffee 5 tablespoons randomness ¾ cups Slash 2 bottles Irish whiskey ½ pair Dirty socks 1 bottle Ritalin 1 Insane Authoress [For best effects use brand name: Jillian Prewett] Place in blender on Puree. Serve Chilled. Enjoy.  
  
Anything inside [these things] is me/Director talking. WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... I GIVE YOU.... THE STORY!!!  
  
Location: The premiere of the fourth installment of the Harry Potter movies.  
  
HARRY POTTER AND THE CUP OF FLAMES.  
  
[Name changed in case those 'Bloody Americans' don't know what a 'Goblet Of Fire' is.]  
  
The director stands up to address the audience. She is in all black, with a beret set at a jaunty angle on her head. She has dark glasses, and has drawn a fake goatee on her face in black eyeliner, most likely for effect. She speaks in a misty, dramatic voice, with a horribly fake accent of some unknown origin.  
  
"Ladies, and Gentlemen! Lend me your ears! It is I! The great Jillian Prewett! It is an honor to finally move up in the world of filmmaking; it seems that only yesterday that I was a film student, working on the highly unpopular crime thriller "He Stole My Barbie," an erotic children's fantasy movie about transvestite preschoolers. So without further ado... I give you... HARRY POTTER AND THE CUP OF FLAMES!!!  
  
The lights dim, and the film rolls. The ratings show on the screen. It reads: Rated R for violence, drug use, epic battle scenes, nudity, sexual content, strong language, and disturbing images.  
All the mothers pull their children from the theater faster than the Director can say "NC-17."  
  
The legend appears "HARRY POTTER AND THE CUP OF FLAMES." FADE IN to the first scene...The Riddle house. An old man is walking down a hall in an old house. He pauses in front of a partially open door, and listens.  
  
"Wormtail! Get me my bunny slippers!" Says a harsh voice.  
  
"Yes m-master." Comes a sniveling voice.  
  
'Yes master?' Thinks Frank Bryce, the old man standing in the doorway. "Am I in another Porno? Cause this wouldn't be the first time. Damn, someone could have told me, I just bought that great leather cat suit, oh, and that whip is in the drawer next to my bed." [How do you know what he's thinking? I am just that great.]  
  
A snake slithers past Frank into the room.  
  
"Wormtail, we need to keep a steady flow of conversation about our plans for Harry Potter's death, so the man standing outside the door gets suspicious of us, and so he knows that we are Dark Wizards, so that thousands of miles away Harry Potter can wake up with his scar hurtling, and thus advance the plotline."  
  
"How do you know this master?" Asks Wormtail.  
  
"I am Lord Voldemort. I am all knowing."  
  
"You read ahead in the script, didn't you?"  
  
"So what if I did? Now shut the hell up, and retrieve the man from the doorway."  
  
"Yes Master." Wormtail ambles to the door, and pulls Frank Bryce inside.  
  
"Hey! Lemme go! I'm trying to be a brave, arrogant old man!" Frank Bryce squeals as Wormtail manhandles him into the room.  
  
"You do that." Voldemort says impatiently.  
  
"You're a criminal, and a Dark wizard, and a bad, bad man," Frank starts yelling. "I'm calling the police!" "I don't answer to the laws of men." Voldemort hisses.  
  
"Then you will answer to god!" Franks says. Voldemort kills him. ['Splooshbedougle']  
  
"You first." Voldemort says quietly.  
  
"I commend you on your wonderful Three Musketeers reference, my Lord." Wormtail snivels.  
  
"Thank you Wormtail. Now, lets sing my theme song as the scene FADES OUT on us, and FADES IN on Harry Potter."  
  
"All that fading was quite annoying, my Lord." Wormtail adds.  
  
They begin to sing.  
  
"Yo I'm the Dark Lord, They call me Volders. I hit you with any spell And watch your remains smolder. I'm the master pimp, Yeah I'm the bomb, How great am I? JUST ASK YOUR MOM!!"  
  
FADES OUT.  
  
Harry Potter wakes up a thousand miles away, with his scar hurting.  
  
"Ow. I'm waking up a thousand miles away, with my scar hurting. Man, that was a horrible rap. [Author clears her throat loudly.] Oh, ummm, sorry Jill. Hey, while I'm on the subject, who should I tell that my scar is hurting?"  
  
He thinks. 'I already know Hermione's reaction.' "Honestly, will you ever take the time to READ Hogwart's: a History?" He didn't know why she would react that way, she just would. He didn't understand women. Then there was Ron. . Ron's reaction he could guess with deadly accuracy. "Man, I want some sausages." It was obvious why, because he really did want some sausages. Men were so much less complicated than women. 'Something I will soon have to figure out, having read ahead to the script for the fifth movie/book, 'The Cult of The Big Red Bird.' [Title changed in case those 'Bloody Americans' didn't know what an 'Order Of the Phoenix' is.]'  
  
"I know! I'll write to Sirius! He'll know if curse scars sometimes hurt thirteen years after they were made. I don't know why he would know such a thing, it's not like he's an expert on curse scars, or dark arts for that matter, he was framed actually, and has no connections to the dark arts whatsoever, but if I don't write to him then the plot wont advance, so here goes."  
  
He pulled out a quill and parchment, why he couldn't just use a pen and paper, nobody will ever know. He wrote:  
  
Dear Sirius,  
This morning I woke up with my scar hurting. I also had a bad dream that Lord Voldemort and Wormtail were in a porno and they killed this dirty old man who was talking about wearing a leather cat suit, and something about a whip. They were also plotting to kill me this year. But I've decided that I'm not going to mention the dream to you though, because I don't want you to know about it. Well that, and because I don't want to come off a weak angst filled teenager that takes plots to kill me in my dreams seriously. Best regards, [Sloppy angsty teen signature] Harry  
  
Feeling satisfied with his letter, and glad that he had decided not to tell Sirius about his dream, he stands and gets dressed. He finds that it is day outside, so he goes downstairs.  
  
But what awaits him- even he doesn't know.....  
  
How was that guys? Review, and I'll kidnap your favorite HP character and send them to you in a box! Well, if I can find a big enough box, but I'm sure I could, I'd do anything for my reviewers.  
  
How'd you like Voldemort's rap? I made it up all by myself, I was pretty darn proud of myself.  
  
AND NOW! A REVIEW SONG....JUST FOR YOU!! [To the tune of QUEEN'S 'We Will Rock You.'  
  
" PLEASE DO, PLEASE DO, RE--IEW! PLEASE DO, PLEASE DO, RE--VIEW Buddy you're a boy [maybe]  
  
Make a big noise Reviewin' my story  
  
My fic's gonna be a big hit some day  
  
I've got tears on my face, cause my stories a big disgrace  
  
Fic-ers kicking my ass all over the place  
  
(Singing) PLEASE DO, PLEASE DO, RE--IEW! PLEASE DO, PLEASE DO, RE—VIEW.  
  
Lets try for 15 reviews, next chapter will be longer I swear, and funnier, this is just a set up, getting into the swing of it all. 


	2. Rogue Bowling Pins

Author's note: This chapter is dedicated to Katameran, Shadow Of The Rain, Clayin, Esebesta, and Moon Archer, my wonderful reviewers. Thanks guys, you have no idea how much reviews mean to me. Okay, enough of the mushy stuff...  
  
Warning: Abuse of HP characters, rouge bowling pins, random bursting into song, misuse of women's panties, fishnets, and rhinestone pumps [can you guess what's coming? DON'T HURT HER FRANK-FURTER! T-t-t-t-t-t-t-touch me. I wanna be dirty! Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me. CREATURE OF THE NIGHT!]  
  
Chapter 2 [So, where was I...ah yes.. But what awaits him- even he doesn't know.....]  
  
Harry reached the bottom of the staircase, but when he looked around he was not in the Dursley's hall, which was where he should have been. He was...  
  
"Um, Jill? WHY THE HELL AM I AT THE BURROW?!"  
  
[We had a few budget cuts, and well, we figured that we should short end a few scenes. So we cut out the entire part about the fireplace being blown up, and the letter with all those stamps.]  
  
"You cut out the letter, because it had all those stamps?!" Harry asked incredulously.  
  
[STAMPS ARE EXPENSIVE!]  
  
"You're insane." Harry muttered.  
  
"You're telling me, mate." Ron had come down the stairs behind Harry. "If you ask me, she just couldn't think of a way to screw up those scenes." [WELL NOBODY ASKED YOU!] Ron was immediately struck in the head with a large bowling pin.  
  
"OY!" He yelled.  
  
[A girl could really get used to this all-powerful gig. Oh, and by the way Ron, keep that bowling pin; it will come in handy later.]  
  
"How?" Ron asked.  
  
[Don't ask me!]  
  
'But you're the ruddy author, and director!"  
  
[Fair point.]  
  
Ron is hit in the head with another bowling pin. "Barking mad."  
  
"Um, Ron? Who were you talking to, and where are all those bowling pins coming from?" Harry asked, raising an eyebrow at him.  
  
"Jill." Ron grunted. "I'm beginning to miss Cuaron. At least he never hit us with bowling pins."  
  
"Yeah, but he was pretty edgy, and he had that Harry/Draco slash thing going on in his head." Harry said, rather misty eyed. [ADVANCE THE PLOT!]  
  
"Eesh, now I know why tigers eat their young."  
  
[NOW!] Thunder crackles, and the sky out side grows thick with lightning.  
  
"So, how about that Quidditch International Trophy?" [Name changed in case those 'Bloody Americans' don't know what a world cup is.]  
  
"Tally ho." Harry answered. "Does she actually think that we British people say things like that on a regular basis?" [You do now.] Harry was promptly hit in the head with a bowling pin.  
  
"Lets go." Harry groaned, rubbing his head.  
  
Scene FADES OUT, and then FADES IN on Harry, Ron, Hermione, Mr. Weasley, Fred, George, and Ginny, all wearing backpacks, hiking up a hill.  
  
"Let's find the Portkey, which since this is the first ever mention of them in all the books, it will most likely be a very important plot device in later scenes." Mr. Weasley announced.  
  
"Arthur! It's over here!" called a man with a scraggly beard.  
  
"Amos Diggory!" Mr. Weasley called. [Great way to introduce new characters: Shout their full name at them so the audience picks up on it.]  
  
"Ugh, and kill me now. It's Cedric Diggory." George said.  
  
"I could just KILL him for beating us at Quidditch last year." Fred agreed.  
  
"Hiya guys!" Cedric called. "I was DYING to see you all!"  
  
"Hi Cedric! We haven't seen you all summer! We thought you were DEAD."  
  
"Well, I wish I was DEAD after-"[It's lame now guys, just stop.]" Never mind."  
  
Amos held up the Portkey. It was a Michael Jackson doll.  
  
"So, a Portkey can be anything?" Harry asked Mr. Weasley.  
  
"Well, it's always something that if a muggle finds, they wont pick it up and play with it." Harry glanced at the doll, and understood.  
  
Everybody gathered around, and put a finger on the doll. Harry thought about how odd it would look to a muggle if they saw this congregation of children, and two men, all standing around, touching a Michael Jackson doll.  
  
Harry felt a jerk around his navel, and they were whisked away.  
  
They landed with a jolt in a crumpled heap.  
  
"Stoatshead Hill, six o'clock." Harry looked up at the man who spoke, and had to do a double take.  
The man was wearing garish makeup, a bustier, women's black underwear, fishnet stockings, and six-inch rhinestone pumps. [Hell yeah, he was.]  
  
"Dr- Dr. Frankenfurter?" Both Hermione and Harry said at the same time.  
  
"Nooo, I'm Basil." The man said.  
  
"Then why are you dressed as Dr. Frankenfurter?"  
  
"Well, we had to go incognito for the match, yoou knoow...dress like muggles. So some friends and I rented this mooovie. The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and we decided to copy them." The man over annunciated every world just like Tim Curry in RHPS.  
  
"Well I must say, that even though nobody could beat Tim Curry as Dr. Frankenfurter, you make a close second." Hermione said, obviously impressed.  
  
"I think he looks like a freak." Ron said, and Fred and George seemed to agree.  
  
Suddenly Basil's friends joined him, and stuck poses. They began to sing.  
  
Don't get strung out by the way I look. Don't judge a book by its cover. I'm not much of a man by the light of day But by night I'm one hell of a lover. I'm just a sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania. Let me show you around Maybe play you a sound. You look like you're both pretty groovy. Or if you want something visual That's not too abysmal, We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.  
  
I'm just a sweet transvestite. (Sweet transvestite) Sweet transvestite From Transsexual, Transylvania.  
  
The song ended, and Ginny, Hermione, and Harry burst out into applause.  
  
"Well now Basil, that was really splendid. Can you point us to the match please?"  
  
"Excited for the match, are you Arthur?" Basil asked, raising an eyebrow.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"I can see you quiver with ANTICIPA- - - - [SPIT IT OUT!] - - Pation."  
  
Scene FADES OUT, and then FADES IN, on the Top Box at the Quidditch match.  
  
Hmm... how was that guys? I couldn't think of what to happen next, so I'll post this here for you all. Don't worry, I'll be back soon with a new chapter, hopefully funnier than the last. Insanity builds with time.  
  
Oh, and REVIEW!! PLEASE!! Suggestions are welcome! Next chapter dedicated to my reviewers of Ch. 2!  
  
ROCK ON MY CYBERSPACE CADETS. 


	3. The Naughty Name Game

Author's Note: Thanks to all my reviewers, this is dedicated to you! Aly [my sister's sister], Fool Moon, Ginny, CanadianVamp, and Katameran, you guys really made my day. Don't worry Katameran, I haven't lost my inspiration, and when I read other people's stories I see the odd things that they think of, and I wish I had thought of them first for my stories. Aw well, great minds think alike, greater minds think for themselves, [Or so the genie in that Aladdin cartoon used to say in between shows on "One Saturday Morning" on ABC when I was a little kid.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
The characters take their seats in the Top Box, and ready themselves for the Quidditch International Trophy.  
  
"You know, all this fading is actually kind of convenient. It gets us places faster, and moves the plot along, even if it does kind of give me a headache." Harry said. He looked around the Top Box happily.  
  
[My point exactly.]  
  
"Yeah, and we got to avoid meeting all of those important characters from the ministry, that later in this story will become major plot devices." Hermione said, rolling her eyes. She was promptly hit in the head with a bowling pin.  
  
"You know, the bowling pin thing was okay in last chapter, but Jill should really think up something new, it would give the story more...flair. Maybe Jill should use pillows!" Ron looked into the parallel dimension of author land with a look of hope on his face.  
  
[Maybe your right.] Ron grins at his cleverness. [But pillows are so boring. Maybe I should use anvils! Like in the Looney Toons! Oh! Fun! Thanks Ron!] Ron blanched.  
  
"Yeah, thanks Ron." Harry said sarcastically.  
  
"Or, you now, you could stick with the bowling pins Jill! It can be your trademark..ugh...thing. Anvils are so overrated! Besides, what about budget cuts?" Ginny told the author quickly, surprising everyone.  
  
[Maybe you're right midget. I think I'll stick with the bowling pins. But next time, keep your mouth shut; you're not due to grow a personality until book 5.] Ginny sulks.  
  
Suddenly the lights in the Top Box dim, and horror music plays in the background. The Malfoys enter. Lucius has his hair slicked back, as does Draco, Narcissa's hair is slicked forward like that little girl in the movie, The Ring, she is also suspiciously decayed looking.  
  
The music stops, and the lights change back to normal. Lucius limps over to his seat with a gangster swagger, brandishing his Pimp Cane like a scepter. His robes billow about him impressively as his house elf follows him with a fan. His wife and son follow.  
  
"Potter." Draco hisses.  
  
"Malfoy." Harry retorts.  
  
[Ooh, they dazzle me with their witty banter.]  
  
Suddenly Harry's look softens. He can't stand such an insult from the love of his life.  
  
Harry didn't specify which Malfoy he was speaking to, and Lucius gives Harry a piercing stare.  
  
"Potter." Lucius sneers. Lucius was secretly in love with Harry.  
  
"Lucius." Arthur Weasley sneers. Arthur was secretly in love with Lucius.  
  
"Weasley." Lucius sneers. He hasn't specified which Weasley, and Ginny answers to him.  
  
"Luscious, I mean Lucius." Ginny reddens. She almost let the world know her true feelings towards Mr. Malfoy.  
  
"Ginny!" Hermione says, shocked. Hermione was secretly in love with Ginny.  
  
"Granger!" Ginny answers.  
  
"Granger!" Draco spat. He had to be mean to her, no matter how much it broke his heart, he couldn't let his family know that he loved a Mudblood.  
  
[Note: 'Mudblood' is not changes, seeing as how it is self explanatory, and even those 'Bloody Americans' should be able to pick up on it's obvious meaning, and infamous history of profanity.]  
  
"Granger!" Ron called, secretly in love with Hermione.  
  
"Weasley!" Hermione calls back.  
  
"Fred!" George calls, secretly in love with his twin.  
  
"George!" Fred calls, equally enamored with his brother.  
  
"TWINCEST!" The audience yells. Mothers cover their children's eyes, and the forty-year-old perverted men lean toward the screen expectantly.  
  
There is no telling what this name game leads to.  
  
[I would tell you, but I'm sure your mind could think up something ten times as raunchy. So enjoy!]  
  
By the time the inhabitants in the Top Box are done doing the dirty, the match is over. Nobody really cares who won.  
  
They all go to their tents that magically appeared in a camp ground for them, that smell suspiciously like Mrs. Figg.  
  
[Gee, I wonder why. Don't we all? Perkins, naughty, naughty old man.]  
  
That night there is much screaming to be heard in the campground.  
  
Harry and Ron were rudely awoken by the Authoress, who was hitting them with bowling pins.  
  
"Wha?" Ron asked unintelligently.  
  
[The campground is being attacked by Bunny Eaters.]  
  
"Wha's a bunny eater?"  
  
[Duh, someone who eats bunnies. Or Volder's supporters.]  
  
"I thought they were called Death Eaters." Harry said stupidly.  
  
[They were, but we didn't know if the 'Bloody Americans' knew what a Death Eater was, so we tried to change the name, but then we couldn't think of what to change it to. Besides, 'Death Eater' is so...morbid, we had to change it to something more socially acceptable. Well, that, and our movie audience is a bunch of ten-year-olds.]  
  
"Morbid? This from the sadistic little girl with the bowling pins."  
  
Harry, Ron, Hermione, Fred, George, and Ginny ran into the conveniently placed forest next to their tent.  
  
[Ginny was still sulking about her lack of personality.]  
  
"Shut it, bitch." Ginny scowled.  
  
[Would it cheer you up if I told you that in the next book that you're a skanky whore?]  
  
Ginny brightened considerably.  
  
As Harry and Co. were running into the forest, Ron tripped. Harry and Hermione stopped to help him up, and Fred, George, and Ginny seized the opportunity to ditch them, and ran into the darkness to... [I'll let your imagination finish that sentence.]  
  
As the trio stopped, they realized that Draco Malfoy was standing against a tree.  
  
"Potter, Weasel, Mudblood." Draco sneered.  
  
"Malfoy." Harry said softly, barely containing his glee.  
  
"What are you doing out here?" Ron asked angrily.  
  
"I'm protecting my family heirloom." Malfoy has his father's pimp cane.  
  
"What's that? The Malfoy Holy Grail, or Holy Hand Grenade, or whatever the hell that is." Harry asked.  
  
"Right now I call it a pimp cane." Malfoy answered, acting rather standoffish. "But what's it to you."  
  
"Fine. Don't have to get SHIRTY with me." Harry said angrily.  
  
"I'm not SHIRTY!" Malfoy insisted. "What IS shirty? That's not a word." But he was not annoyed; he was calm.  
  
"Whatever, we best be going now." Harry said, turning to his friends, not meeting Malfoy's eyes. He couldn't stand arguing with the man he loved.  
  
"You're a DOPE!" Malfoy called out to him.  
  
"I'm a WHAT?!" Harry turned, completely baffled.  
  
"You're a dope, and a bonehead, and...and you're SHIRTY!"  
  
Harry could only stare at Malfoy, but then asked, "Have you gone completely carrot top?"  
  
"This is all an act Harry! Can't you see that? I am so head over heels for you, that I didn't mind Jill's horrible reference to "End Of Days." Episode 21, Season 7 of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"  
  
"Oh, Draco!" Harry called.  
  
Ron and Hermione, who were standing with their mouths hanging open, both pull out bowling pins, and whack Harry and Malfoy over the head with them. They pull Harry's unconscious body further into the woods.  
  
"Wha-What happened?" Harry asked.  
  
"You confessed your undying love for Malfoy."  
  
"WHAT!? JILLIAN PREWETT I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU!"  
  
[(Evil Grin.)]  
  
Sorry about the horrible BTVS Reference, may the Powers that Be (Or M.E.) smite me for my horrible indignity to the greatest TV show ever. But, I honestly couldn't help it. PLEASE REVIEW! EVEN THOUGH THIS CHAPTER WAS UNWORTHY OF ANY SUCH RECOGNITION! [Goes and irons her hands, much like a house elf punishing herself.] 


End file.
